Life..... What about it?

I'm finished! That's it! I think I'm done!

I feel like this battle just can't be won.

I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in,

But I fail to see the point in it again.

I wish I could figure out and understand,

What it is that has been planned.

It hurts, but most of all, it frustrates,

I want to know, but not knowing is all I face.

How I hate to see the world in this way,

Its splendour and wonders turned dull and grey,

Its blessings and riches have gone astray,

Leaving me with nothing much else to say.

I've liked what I've had but I keep wanting more,

I wish to look and feel things I've never felt before.

Call me an ingrate, or maybe even a fool,

I can't help but feel that life's just too cruel.

Sometimes it feels like the world is against me,

Covering my eyes and making me not see.

Waiting for the moment when I will slip and fall,

And help is nowhere to be found at all.

I feel quite alone in this battle with life,

Don't know where I'm heading and I don't know why.

Is it worth all this trouble? Do people actually care?

Will they push me aside? Do they want me there?

I'm drowning, I'm slipping, to the pit down below,

I've tried to reach out, but there's nothing to hold.

I'm tired of feeling like this over again,

I want it to stop, I just want it to end.

I'm tired, exhausted, just lay me to rest,

I've done all I could, I gave all my best,

But it doesn't feel right, I still can't comprehend,

To those that do, will you help me understand?

I'm currently in a no-man's land mood at the moment, at least, it kinda feels like it. I'm not questioning life in itself, but I'm questioning the purpose of my existence. I don't think it's humility when you can't really see yourself as "important", in the 'scheme of things'.

Ever had a thought running through your mind, going, "Nah! I'm not that important." or "I don't think I'm needed/wanted."? Then you'll know the mindset of where this is going. I sat down today (at my office, nonetheless) and vented out my frustrations in the most "normal" way I could. No, I didn't whack my computer to bits. No, I didn't bite anyone's head off. (Get it? Bits and Bytes? Nevermind.....) No, I didn't scream at the top of my lungs, "What's going on?" (although, that's a song right there!)

What did I do? I wrote. Yup, I sat down and wrote. In my journal, wrote a poem (which you've read, I presume), and this blog here. Writing is quite an essential tool for me. Take my language, you might as well take my life. Although, when you feel so dissatisfied about certain things in life, you kinda wished it was over sooner, but I'm not that far ahead.

Speaking of life, what am I here for? Definitely not to be disgruntled, I hope. It's always good to have a reality check once in a while. I'm doing that a lot lately. Maybe because I've been put to the test quite a bit as well. Life is hard, honestly. Whoever said life is easy is probably ignorant. But you can make life a little easier by not making it any harder than it already is. If you understood that sentence, good.

Life is all about choices, really. Either you choose to be happy with the things that you have, however big or small it is, or choose to be sad with the things that you WISH you had. Oh, I'm not saying that I don't wish for things! I wish for loads of things that I don't or can't have. But I have to keep reminding myself time and again that if you're not happy with the little things, when bigger things come along, you won't be happy with that either.

So, let me leave you with a few personal quotes I've made up. Hope it'll make you stop and think about life once in a while.

If life is but a dream, you haven't woken up yet.

Life is like chocolate; sometimes it's sweet, other times it's bitter.

May The Force Be With You

Disclaimer Note: For those of you who've not yet seen 'Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith', go no further. It's not a spoiler but there are elements to be mentioned. For those of you who've seen it, carry on. For those of you who couldn't be bothered to watch the movie, you're not missing too much.

There seem to be more lies than truth that could be found in movies, mainly because it is mostly fictional. However, I found one great truth in a movie that I wouldn't actually go watch on a whim, if it was up to me. A Star Wars fan, I'm not. I was reminded of a scene where Anakin, feeling helpless about the visions of Padme's impending death, visited Master Yoda for advice. "You must learn to let go", he was told. Not being able to let go was what brought forth Anakin's downfall.

And so, I'm left to ponder about this 'letting go' situation, as well as, what constitutes as a "possession". Letting go, or surrendering, is probably one of the hardest things to do in life. It involves giving up your passion for something, or someone, wholeheartedly and not looking back at it. It is hard because it's giving up a part of your life, something that you've had with you for quite some time and trying not to harp on it anymore in the future.

Possessions could mean anything; treasures, money, property, time, life, love, people, relationships. If it's something that you've been having for a while and you know it's not good for you, it tends to become a 'possession', because it's possessing your life, whether you like it or not.

Lately, I've come to notice that there are certain relationships in my life that I need to let go of. It's been bothering me for a while and that's not good for me OR my sanity. It's literally dragging me down and it's time for me to start letting go and not holding on to it anymore. I'm planning on taking a sabbatical from friendships that distract me from my one and only focus. I only wonder where to begin.

I've learned to rely on this great truth: "Let it go; if it comes back to you, then it's yours to keep and if it doesn't, it wasn't for you in the first place". It rings true in such a way where, if you really let go of something and not focusing on that anymore and it comes back to you at a later time and in a good way, you know it's for you, because you didn't have to work for it, you didn't have to strive. If it was something you've been holding onto for a long time and it keeps bothering you but yet you're still grabbing hold of it, even by the skin of your teeth, if it's not meant to be yours, it's just not yours.

Let go, I must. Easy, it is not.

Writer's Block

Ahh..... Sorry for the delay. Haven't been thinking much lately. Ever since 2004, wow, that's a lot of idling. Well, more or less, I haven't been able to find the time to think much.

I'm currently in between jobs right now. I've had pretty OK goodbyes before, but this time it was rough. I tendered my resignation just last week, with a notice of two weeks and everything was fine and dandy up until I requested for my entitled annual leave. I've been working at the firm for about 5 months and according to the Employment Act 1955 (haha..... yeah, THAT one), I'm entitled to offset my leave if I choose to, should I resigned.

Well, safe to say, all "hell" broke lose the day after. My lady boss was just coming at me for no particular reason. As much as I understood that I should leave a company cordially, I wasn't going to stand down and let her humiliate me or berate me for no good reason, so I defended myself. Let's just say, it wasn't pretty.

But, I'm glad that it's now over. *Phew* I wish things could have ended better, but, as a kid would say, "I didn't start it! She did!". So, that's pretty much it for now. I'm enjoying my "holiday" as of now but am wondering what lies ahead of me, with this new offer of mine that I just signed up for.

Wish me well.

Looking Back - 2004

The seconds are ticking, the hours are changing and the days are turning. It will soon be a new year a few hours from now. Looking back on this year would have been easy but a look at the incident on Boxing Day in Asia snapped us all back into the reality and fragility of life in itself.

Our country has been particularly blessed due to the geographical location, being "hidden" by Indonesia's many islands. But never in my years in Penang have there been anything as surreal yet devastating as this. Though our death toll will never amount to those suffered at the epicentre of the earthquake and tidal waves, the news hit hard when Penang Island was listed as the state with the most number of casualties throughout Malaysia.

The video clips and photos that keep pouring in depict horror, helplessness, hopelessness, destruction and utter desolation in many parts of the Asian region. One cannot even begin to imagine what it's like, being in a country damaged by the effects, haunted by the loss and scarred by the images engraved in their memories.

The hardest pill to swallow is the fact that the hardest hit countries are one of the poorest in the world. It's heartening to see that countries and citizens of the human world are pulling all resources available to assist in the aftermath. But why does it need a tragedy to have people come together? Do racial lines and ethnic backgrounds dictate our every move among the multitudes? It is absolutely great news to read the reports that people are willing to reach out to Islamic countries at this time of grief. But if racial lines and ethnic backgrounds do not matter now, it should not matter at all under normal circumstances. It doesn't take much to hate a person, but it doesn't take much to care for someone as well, if only we realize it.

It doesn't make things any better to start pointing fingers at 'What Ifs' at this point in time. It is truly disheartening to read reports of rich countries being "stingy". Isn't it good enough that they are contributing, rather than not? A lot of money will truly be a blessing, but the little amounts DO matter as well. It is time to wake up and realize that the world does not revolve around one country or one person. We have to do our parts as well. How many more 9/11s or Boxing Day Tsunamis do we need before we get the point that life is too short to be worried about the little things?

Let's usher in the New Year with a little more gratitude and with little less grudges, shall we?

Cheque In, Cheque Out!

Yahoo! It's that time of the month again. Yup, all the hard work for the month before finally pays off. You get your pay cheque. Ahh, glorious, really. It's about time too, as the funds are trickling to a standstill.

Alas, the pay cheque in your hands do not count for money until it is banked in. And what a hassle THAT is, especially when it's not a "local cheque", I believe that's the correct term for it. So, it takes 2-3 BUSINESS days to clear, that means, it won't get done on a Saturday, and it DEFINITELY won't get done on a Sunday.

So you wait. And wait..... While your ever depleting wallet feels lighter and lighter and almost non-existent, except for maybe a few flies waiting to come out, like how they so poetically put it in the comic strips. And finally, your bank account has some figures in it.

Ahh..... the sight of digits have never been so fascinating! The zeros are finally in FRONT of the decimal point instead of behind it. Nice! So what do you do? Well, there's that nagging bill that's way past it's due date, credit card bill, phone bill, internet bill, satellite TV bill, electricity bill, water bill, hornbill..... Oh wait, I didn't purchase any pets lately. There you have it, BILLS! Ugh! Which is why you should NEVER call your kids "Bill", there are too many of those already!

But there's always hope after the bills, for it is now time to indulge in things that you could not bear looking at in the last days of the month prior to the pay cheque. A Greatest Hits CD you've been wanting to purchase, a pair of boot-cut jeans, a nice top to go with it, all-you-can-eat buffets and by the time you're done with all that, you've realised that it's not even the middle of the month yet!

That's when you start holding back again, counting every penny for every single thing and before you know it, you're back to the same position you were at last month. And you wonder why there's not enough funds. And so, the cycle begins again, as you wait for the day when another pay cheque arrives. Sigh, it's all Bill's fault, I tell ya!

You drive me crazy!

Driving in Penang, or being driven in Penang, can either be an interesting experience or a harrowing one. Those who live or have been here can attest to that. For as long as I've been driving, which is about 5 years, lots of things can happen on the road here.

I consider myself a "safe" driver, having not had any major accidents happening when I drive, although at times I feel like my licence should be revoked for a week or two. I am a calm driver and I'm not quick to panic behind the wheel, although, sometimes, you just want to wring the other driver's neck for cutting in when they shouldn't and driving at 15km/h when the limit is 80km/h.

Ever wonder why things seem to go wrong when you're in a hurry? Let's say you're 15 minutes away from being late for work and you try to rush but then there's the guy hogging both lanes and going at 20km/h while talking on the handphone in front of you. Ugh, pure frustration! Sometimes, it's just the traffic lights that just won't help. Red... red... yellow going on red... red and the 'turtle' in front of you manages to squeeze through leaving you facing the RED light.

Somehow, when you're early, circumstances seem to go FOR you to make you reach your destination even EARLIER than expected. People are behaving themselves on the road, some even making way for you to overtake them, lights stay green for as long as you can remember. Ironic, isn't it?

I remember just a couple of days ago, on my way home, driving in the night drizzle, being on the main road AND having the right of way, when I spotted a lady turning out from a junction as though not to have noticed me. Just to be safe, I honked her to let her know I was there but she still squeezed in front of me. Oh well, let it be then, right? Wrong! At the traffic lights just yards away from all this, I was stuck behind this lady when lo and behold, she stared right into her rear view mirror and gesturing in the most 'poetic' way she could to display her displeasure at my honking. Amazing, really. If only I understood sign language, then maybe I could interpret it better. And you'd think that once the light turned green and we drove along that she would stop gesturing, right? Wrong again! She kept gesturing and looking intently into the rear view mirror until finally I overtook her without so much as a glance.

What did I do, you wonder? I was surprised that I wasn't offended as I laughed my way home. Like I said, I don't know sign language. But that's how it is, sometimes, being on the road in Penang. As much as you want to be courteous on the road, you have to play mean in order to be able to get to your destination as safe as possible. But I don't think I'd want to learn the art of sign language JUST yet.

Wedding, anyone?

Wedding dinners should NEVER be attended alone. The intimidation of not knowing anybody around you will really get to you. Especially when it comes to Chinese eight (8) course dinners. Pray that the people who will eventually grace your table are decent, otherwise, "fuhgetaboudit!". Being around people who have no sense of the meaning of "double dipping" will make you lose your appetite in an instant. You just want to get the food onto your plate as soon as the food arrives and not touch the dish until new ones arrive. Such is the atrocity of dining with strangers.

Apparently, the forks and spoons provided with the dishes were mere ornaments in these people's eyes. One on each side of the dish to provide a sort of balance, some "je ne sais quoi" idea. As bad as always being the first person to scoop the dish may look on you, try to think of when you spot someone who's just stuffed his chopsticks into his mouth and THEN go for another piece on the plate, muddling around with the gravy, dropping the food and then picking it up again. Yuck!

But, queasiness aside, there were more things to come for this particular wedding dinner that I went to. An old neighbourhood friend's wedding dinner. Not surprisingly, Malaysians are at their best when it comes to making grand entries, that is, coming at the latest time possible. The invitation given to me was printed as "7.00pm SHARP", but the dinner didn't start till 8pm. I arrived fashionably EARLY, just before the bride and groom arrived. And you'd think, by printing the time in bold with the capital letters would help you know WHEN to arrive, the tables were hardly filled by 7pm, still half empty at 7.30pm. I wonder if the Daylight Savings Time put them off a bit. Oh wait, Malaysians aren't even affected by DST! Funny how the people that DID come in late, came in looking like they were early. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

Let me save the best for last, or should I say the worst. The Master of Ceremony. He spoke in Mandarin throughout the dinner and as accommodating as it may seem to the Chinese educated friends and relatives there, the bride and groom does not even speak/read a word of Chinese at all! He sang karaoke songs with so much flair and pizzazz, you'd have thought he was auditioning for Karaoke Idol. Thankfully, the karaoke machine was opened to the people who attended the wedding, unfortunately, "Seasons In The Sun" was just not the type of song you would sing at a wedding dinner. 'Goodbye to you, it's hard to die' ?!?! Wow, what message was the relative sending, I wonder!

Oh well, it ended with the usual shaking of hands with the bride and groom as we walked out into the dark night. However, the emcee was still singing when we left, without so much as a care to the visitors who just ignored his presence. And still with so much flair. Kudos to him, but I won't be hiring him for ANY occasions for that matter.